1.12.2011

why can't you be what we want you to be?

"As with each new life, we start out innocent, naive and hopeful, but with time, we come to understand how life works. With it's twisting patterns and endless upheavals, we come to find that not all things can be like they are in fairytales.


I was born to less than perfect circumstances. I was unwanted in a way that no one can dare to think. I was left, faced with no mother or father. They didn't want me. I was just not good enough. I left them with these words hanging on their tongues; "Why can't you be what we want you to be?" I was too young to fix it. Five months is not anywhere near the age that I could stand up for myself and say, "I matter too!" As life went on I began to forget that, I did not feel as if I mattered. I was left and unwanted by the very people who are supposed to love me the most, so how could anyone else love an imperfect thing like me?


I hated the very things that made me. I hated my mother. I hated my father, and I hated God. "Is there such a thing?" I didn't think so. If there was, what did I do to deserve this? I began to withdraw from my family that came to love me. I pushed them away. I became numb.


Every day I woke up to an ugly face staring back at me in the mirror. I looked like the very people i hated most. I felt their sin in my body. I wanted out. I screamed for rescue, but no one seemed to hear. They never did. I slowly fell apart. I crumbled into nothing. I was nothing.


Help seemed to come for a while, but I rejected it, thinking it would only leave me in such pain again. Deep inside, I was content with all my hated emotions, because it was unchanging, much unlike the physical world around me. If you were to ask me what was going on in my mind, I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer, because honestly, I didn't know either. All I could think of is; "Why can't you be what we want you to be? Why can't you be good enough?" It was all I could think about. I just was not good enough.


The only relief came in dark rooms, where no one could judge me, or listen to me. I was completely and absolutely alone. As tears came streaming down my face, I felt like there was an end in sight, and I could control where and when it happened. It was the only thing I could control. I was ready, I was in the process, but just was soon as the fatal deed was almost fulfilled, a thought came over me, not one that I had ever thought of before. It was brief, but just enough to stop me dead in my tracks with what I was about to do. The thought was; maybe you are good enough. Just then, I fell down on the ground, tears streaming down my face. I was okay, and I knew that everything would be okay even though that right then, I was at the lowest place a person could ever be.


That memory is scarred into my mind and body. One day I hope to forget it all and maybe grow from it, but for now, I am still living in this hell. The words repeat in my mind every day of my life; "Why can't you be what we want you to be? Why can't you be good enough?" I wonder why I was placed into these circumstances, and one day I will know. As for now, I wonder when my rescue will fully take place. When will someone hear me ask for help?"




--english paper.
fictional.

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