make it through.

some days, i wake up, and find that everything is just so not worth all the time and effort. i feel tired, even though i just woke up. i feel like my head has been hit with a semi truck going 90 mph. and i feel like my insides are just twisting and falling apart. and on these days, all i really want is someone to chat with. but, on my own terms. i want to sense something other than my personal thoughts, because, i hurt. it's not just like depressed hurt, i can deal with that. but my whole body just screams in pain. and i'm not treating it very well. because i am too tired to deal with things. getting ready? no. that's the last thing on my to do list.


when things get bad, i always know there is my Savior to rely on, he can get me through anything, anytime, and any place. but it's all dependant on my choosing. and right now, i guess i'm not choosing. not to say that i don't believe, or care. i'm just tired.


do you ever have those random urges to jump out of a car while it's going? or to just fall on your face? yeah, i sometimes get those, more in a funny way, not a "i want to die" way. because i don't want to die. i like living. very much. i just wish my problems would die.


i almost set myself up for these things, but i also don't. i live my life. and i guess my choices attract heartache, and other stupid things i won't mention. but, lucky for me, i've got great friends. they make my days seem so much easier. when i'm with them, it's like, i am whole again. they make me laugh, to the point of tears. they are the best.


well, i most certainly hope this feeling goes away. it's really bothering me, and my sleep. last night i had a dream about megan abel and cayhay. as well as evan and some other chick. we were at a park, sitting on chairs, and i tried to convince megan to let me put her in a tree so i could take a picture of her, but she said no. and evan said no. then, we went for a walk and they all ditched me for some hick truck that had 4 wheel drive. and the whole time cayhay was singing opera. it was lovely, except for the getting ditched part. but i remember one part especially, megan was trying to help me, and i can't remember with what, maybe like pulling me over a fence or such, but there was more to it, like my problems were that fence, and she was trying to pull me over even though she was stuck on her own fence at the same time. and cayhay and evan were too. but it's just nice to know that even in dreams, some people can play a part in making you feel better. a simple dream? yeah, but still. it almost let's me know that God is so willing for us to feel better and to help others, that He will inspire it in a dream.


so my mission for today and for this week, is to help people. everyone i can. no matter who they are, and why i am helping them. if i can make at least one person's week better, that would be great. but think if we all did this, there would be happy people everywhere! how great would that be.


this day will be good if i choose for it to be. and i choose for it to be a good day. yeah, it may be hard, and i may find myself in a moment of weakness, but nothing is impossible.