another sleepless night.

i just really need to talk right now. i need to sit down and say how i am feeling.
it won't be beautiful or entertaining. but it is the truth. and the truth is sometimes ugly.
i just need to write furiously for right now. i can regret it later.

i'm sitting here all alone in my crappy apartment listening to music that is far too depressing for my current situation.
i feel completely heartbroken and devastated.
i know that i felt peace before, and in some odd way i still do.
but i've all of a sudden just come face to face with reality.
and reality can suck it.
i can't seem to stop crying. and i can't seem to get your voice out of my head. why won't it go away?
is this the grieving process or am i just going insane? either way, it's the worst.

i feel as if everything is changed. i am changed. you changed me. this changed me.
i've never had to deal with death before and i think that it is just such a shock for me. and i don't quite know how to deal with it.
i don't quite know how to just say goodbye for right now. i thought i did, but i don't.
i will miss everything about you.
why you? seriously, why you?
today keeps replaying in my mind and so does these past few days.
i keep thinking that this is some horrible nightmare and that it will just go away if i slap myself back into reality. but, it's not. and it never will be.
i know you're in a better place. and that is wonderful. you are happy now.
but it left so many people heartbroken.
i miss you Squidders.

1 comment:

Stacie K said...

This is my brain. You just made perfect sense of it.
Love you mardi.