i need to.

i apologize for this post in advance for how stupid and depressing it is. but, i am at a point right now where i need to write out how i feel and be okay with it. if you don't want to hear all about how depressed i am in the current time or about how i hate everyone, then this blog is not for you to read...at least for today. i promise to be better tomorrow.

i honestly have never felt this alone in my whole entire life. i've had some low points and times where i didn't think anything mattered, but this is different. college is a whole new cat, and one that i wasn't expecting. i love my freedom and being able to make my own choices and such, but sometimes i just want to be home with my grandparents, my cat, and actual food.

the first week of school was horrid. i felt out of place and scared and so alone. but things got better when i made some good friends and started to get involved. and for a while there, i was really happy. things were going great. but life happened and life never seems to let me be happy and content for long. the people that i became friends with decided that i just wasn't worth it anymore. and being away from home is hard enough but when the people you rely on even don't want to be with you, it is a blow to your self esteem. and maybe i shouldn't have been so upset, but i was. i thought i deserved it. because i am after all, mardi thomas. i am completely the most annoying and needy and clingy person, and i know that. it is no secret. but i am trying. and i thought i was doing good, but when these people that i came to love dropped me like a hat, i seriously had no idea what to do.

things got better, and got bad. i don't think they thought anything of it. but i did. it is what consumed all of my thoughts. i get not wanting to be with a person, but completely ignoring them and lying isn't what you should do either. this story probably doesn't even sound sad or horrid at all. but to me it is. right now all i need is some friends who honestly just care about me. i feel like i put so much into my relationships and i don't even get anything out of them because people don't want to take time to see that i honestly do care about them. and that is the part that sucks. i feel like i try and am really concerned for people but they don't feel the same way about me.

all my friendships in one way or another hit a low point because people just honestly get annoyed with me. they will avoid me at all costs. and if this was just any "friend' i would probably be fine. because why should i care? but these are my "best friends". people who i thought would have my back no matter what because truth be told, i would do absolutely anything for them. it just hurts to know that no one has or will ever care like i do. and maybe that is where i go wrong. maybe i just need to stop caring so much. but i guarantee you, if i were to just die today, most of my "best friends" probably wouldn't even care.

i still feel incredibly alone. and i am hurting. but, i am determined to not let this make me do something stupid. i am still me, and the world still needs me in some way. it will all be okay, but for now i will just go cry and count down the days until i can go home to my family and cat that really love me.

p.s. there are 12 days until i am out of this hell hole.

No comments: