as of lately...

i am unsure about everything that i once had set in stone that i believed. it's like everything all loves to come crashing down all at once. and i can't handle it anymore.
everything that i depended on is just gone, and honestly i don't know why.
maybe it's my mind doing all the problem making, or maybe it's real.
it haunts my thoughts constantly.
trying to figure out why things are they way they are now.
why can't things just work out? is it so hard?
i didn't ever expect it to ever be like this, sure, i expected trials.
so why does it feel this way?
through it all, i am going to be determined to make things right.
because i know they will be.
well, i have hope that they will be.

i don't know if church is now my thing, not because of the Gospel. i believe it's true. the people just get in the way of it. so petty, i know. but, President James E. Faust once said;

Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The Apostle Paul referred to his own challenge: “And lest I should be exalted above measure … , there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me.”

The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process.

Said Alma, “A shepherd hath called after you and is still calling after you, but ye will not hearken unto his voice!” In our extremities, it is possible to become born again, born anew, renewed in heart and spirit. We no longer ride with the flow of the crowd, but instead we enjoy the promise of Isaiah to be renewed in our strength and “mount up with wings as eagles.”

The proving of one’s faith goes before the witnessing, for Moroni testified, “Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” This trial of faith can become a priceless experience.

i like it lots. puts things into perspective.
oh but how i wish i could feel that way.